Death called and asked me about my cars extended warranty

 

Today I got that call every adult child dreads. From my older brother from another father. He told me my father had died, heard from a cousin who saw it on facebook from a sister in laws post. My older brother is a great discovery in my life thanks to 23 and me, thanks you science for giving me an older brother. He has been a blessing in my life.

Yeah, I have a great relationship with my family. I have been estranged from my folks since I got married and left home. They did not want me to. My father died and I feel nothing. Our mother is still alive, I am estranged from her and my younger brother and his family as well. And recently, I found out my mother had my older brother, gave him up for adoption etc. I am not sure my father was mine at this point. Mom was kind of getting around and keeping secrets. 

When a parent dies, it’s devastating, right? An absolutely heartbreaking loss. But for my dad, I mourned his “death” years ago when he chose to go on with his life and I chose to stick with those who love me better. The death of an estranged parent means you’re forced to grieve their death twice. Once when they cut ties (or you choose to move on because there’s nothing left to give), and again when they die. But for me, I’m not grieving because he’s no longer here. I’m grieving because he chose not to be here and be a part of my life.

I would likely not be where I am today because I would not have had the courage to break free from the verbally and physically abusive narrative my parents had taught me to believe, or to challenge this narrative.

To some people we are a wonderful friend, a kind neighbor, and a loving parent, but to others we are a rude jerk, a self-centered person, and verbally abusive or neglectful parent. Each one of us has the right to remember the dead as they experienced them and honor their memory as we see fit.

Years after cutting my parents out of my life I silently forgave them for the hurt they had caused me, and I worked to let go of the pain from the past. However, at times, I found myself fantasizing about what a healthy adult relationship could look like with my father.

I imagined mutually respectful discussions, long walks, trips or vacations and most importantly, being seen not as an unlovable failure, but as a successful adult worthy of love and acceptance.

My last conversation with my father was not positive. He said “I love my wife more than you. That is the way it has always been.” I was forced to accept my father for who he was and acknowledge the painful fact that some people are just not capable being who we need them to be.

We can choose to plead for a relationship that will never be, or for the person to be something they are not, or we can choose to accept them as they are and accept ourselves in spite of their abuse. But this means we must let go and accept that the future holds time we can never have together.